Midgar High School!
by Gaian Skylord
Summary: What if the main characters from your favorite video game were your teachers! Imagine, if you will, the Bloodthirsty Sephiroth... AN ART TEACHER! What idiotic things will happen in each of their classes! Will anyone learn anything! CHAPTER 5 UP!
1. Of piles of paper and a coffeemaker

Midgar High School!  
  
Disclaimer-Do-hicky: Yeah, yeah. I KNOW ALREADY!!! GEEZ!!!! *. Stupid Squaresoftian lawyers. Grumble, grumble.* I do not own Midgar, the FF7 characters and/or Squaresoft! YOU CANNOT SUE ME!!! NOT EVEN IF YOU TRIED!!!!! Mwa ha, ha, ha.-  
  
*Gets hit by flying briefcase thrown by annoyed Squaresoftian lawyer*  
  
Gaian Skylord: *Fuming* WHY YOU EVIL, FILTHY SON OF A-.*Regains small shred of dignity* . Uh, Yeah. Soooo, I will now annoy-. Err.. I mean, entertain you by playing some very outdated elevator music!!! *Switches on boom-box*  
  
Lawyers: NOOO!!!! NOT THE ELEVATOR MUSIC!!!!! NOT AGAIN!!!!!! _____________________________________________________  
  
What if your teachers were the characters from your favorite video game?! In this fanfic, you'll see the cast and crew of FF7 try (I should say 'fruitlessly attempt' but, that wouldn't be very nice now, would it?) to give a few random kids a DECENT secondary education (Don't worry! Things WILL go horribly wrong!! I guarantee it!!)! Now. Without further adieu!.  
  
LET THE STORY BEGIN!!  
  
It was Monday. The first day of school in the nicely rebuilt and OFFICIALLY UNEVIL Midgar city.  
  
Teacher's lounge. 8:40 AM.  
  
Everyone is in disarray.  
  
Tifa: OH NO!! *Rummages through piles of papers and her " Many" folders frantically* I can't find my lesson plan!! Oh. Wait! Here it is! *Picks up a slightly crumpled napkin*  
  
Aeris: My music sheets! Anyone seen my music sheets!! Anyone!!!  
  
*Suddenly, Tifa looks strangely at the contents of the folder next to her, picks up two sheets of paper and glares at Aeris*  
  
Tifa: What is your stuff doing in my folder?  
  
Aeris: *Smiles innocently* Well. There was no more room near the coffee maker because Cloud, Cid and Barret camped out there to get the first cup of coffee in the morning, so I thought you wouldn't mind if I-  
  
Tifa: Aeris. Please, don't touch my stuff!! You see this? This. *Waves arms around piles, towers, MOUNTAINS of folders* . Is all mine. Not yours! MINE! GOT IT! Good. Here are your music sheets.  
  
Aeris: *Shakily takes them* .Thanks.  
  
Tifa: *Her cheery self once more* You're welcome!  
  
*Barret and Cloud emerge from the (immensely cluttered) back of the room*  
  
Cloud *Yawning*: Morning, guys.  
  
Barret: *More awake than Cloud* How ya'll doin' over there? Anyone else up yet?  
  
Aeris: *Still afraid to speak* Uh. No?.  
  
Tifa: Vincent's sleeping in his."Bed" as he calls it.Down in the basement. Sephiroth is up and standing quietly behind you, reviewing his art lesson plan and Red XIII is already at his English class. Cait Sith is "Supposedly" *Rolls eyes* at his Biology class which I chose not to believe and Yuffie isn't coming in.  
  
Cloud: Why?  
  
Tifa: Cuz. She took off with all our materia AGAIN and left a note *Holds up piece of paper* riddled with words I'm sure she learned from Cid!  
  
Cloud: . Oh.-  
  
*Suddenly, an enraged yell followed by a very (VERY) long string of profanities breaks the almost silence (and wakes everyone currently sleeping up). Seconds later, Cid barrels into the cleaner section of the room*  
  
Cid: -THE COFFEE MAKER'S BEEN @#%&I'N DRAINED!!! I'M GONNA @#%&I'N KILL THE %@$#&^-@#%&I'N PIECE A @#%&I'N SH#T B@$#@%& WHO @#%&I'N DID IT WHEN I @#%&I'N FIND 'IM!!!! @#%&!!!!!  
  
Barret: YO!!! Cid! We ain't got no coffee! I checked! CHILL!!!  
  
Cid: Ah, @#%&!! Why didn't ya fr#@@i'n say so!! *Puffs on cigarette*  
  
Barret: *Under breath* Stupid foo.  
  
Cid: *Glares murderously at Barret* I HEARD THAT, YOU COFFEE STEALING B@$#@%&!!! *Takes out spear* YOUR @## IS MINE!!!  
  
Barret: NOT IF I CAN HELP IT, FOO!!! *Points gun-arm and aims*  
  
*Before a brawl breaks out (And both Tifa and Aeris begin to make bets on who will win), Cloud steps between the two*  
  
Cloud: GUYS!!! CALM DOWN!!! REMEMBER WHY WE'RE HERE!!!  
  
Cid: To get paid?  
  
Barret: Free office supplies?  
  
Cloud: NOO!!! THE KIDS!!!!! THE KIDS!!!!!!!  
  
Cid + Barret: THAT'S B@##-S#%&!!!  
  
*Silently, Vincent enters the room, lost in his lesson plan and talking with himself*  
  
Aeris: Good morning, Vincent! How are you doing?-  
  
Vincent: *Doesn't look up* Greetings, Mortal.  
  
Aeris *To Tifa*: I really wish he would stop acting like a vampire and trying to kill us in our sleep!  
  
Tifa *To Aeris*: Yeah, I know what you mean.  
  
Sephiroth: *Angrily looking at lesson plan* Why am I, the great Sephiroth, stuck teaching Art to inferior lifeforms?!  
  
Cid: *Shrugs* Cuz it takes a @#% up to know a @#%& up, don't it?  
  
Barret: Got a point.-  
  
Sephiroth: *Ignores them* I AM SUPERIOR TO YOU ALL!!! I AM DESTINED TO BECOME THE RULER OF THIS CENTER OF EDUCATION!!! I SHALL RULE THE SCHOOL!!! *Evil nerdy laugh*  
  
Cloud: Sephiroth?  
  
Sephiroth: Yes?  
  
Cloud: Shut up  
  
Sephiroth: Okay  
  
Vincent: *Still talking to himself* Ahh. I must teach the ways of the vampire to the unsuspecting Mortals of this God-forsaken school of secondary education. The Dark Lords shall praise me for I will deliver more young souls unto them! Learned as I am in the ways of the night, it won't take long to convert them to evil-minded shells!! Soon, all shall be the children of the darkness!!! MWA HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!!  
  
*Crickets chirp*  
  
Cloud: *Big anime sweatdrop* .Vincent? .Uh, you're not a vampire. Drop the act.  
  
Vincent: Oh! But I am! *Bares fangs*  
  
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Cid: HHHHHOOOOOLLLLLLYYYY SSSSSHHHHHIIIIITTTTT!!!!!  
  
Cait Sith: *Shrugs* Well, it was kinda obvious, ya know! He does sleep in a. Coffin, after all! I mean. Well, he did when you found him!!  
  
Cloud: . Yeah, I guess.*Does a double take* Hey! When did you get here?  
  
Cait Sith: Been here for 'bout five minutes and, let me tell ya, the kids aren't gonna learn a thing except, maybe, a few new cuss words from a certain pilot WHO SHALL REMAIN ANNONYMOUS!!! *Looks directly at Cid, who grumbles something not to be heard nor repeated by younger children*  
  
Cloud: Oh, yeah! That reminds me. I got word from the education bureau that says we can't use profanities around the students. That includes ALL of us. Cid?  
  
Cid: 'Course I'll try but, it won't be @#%&i'n easy- Sh#t! I mean-  
  
Cait Sith: -Yeah, exactly! *Gets a venomous look from Cid, ignores it* And don't get me started on Vincent Vampire Valentine-  
  
Vincent: *Laughing insanely* Stupid Mortals!! You cannot begin to comprehend the shadowed elegance, the superior race of Dark Lords, creates! YOU CANNOT BEGIN TO FATHOM THE POWERS THEY POSSESS! YOU CANNOT-  
  
*Aeris quietly walks over to Vincent and, hitting him over the head with her staff, knocks him out. Everyone is stunned except Cid and Cait Sith*  
  
Aeris: *Looks down at Vincent* . Sorry. You were scaring me and I. Sorry Vincent.  
  
Cid: That was @#%&i'n amazing! I mean, ya don't see sh#t like that every fr#@@i'n day!! Didn't think ya had it in ya, kid!  
  
Cait Sith: I agree with Mr. Foul mouth there.*Cid glares at him*... Oh my gosh! *Shakily points to Vincent, who has begun to groan and rub his scarf- covered head* HE'S WAKING UP!! HIDE MEEE!!!!  
  
*The toy moogle riding cat runs from the room, squeaking all the way*  
  
Vincent: Ugh.*Sits up slowly* . What was I saying? Who or what hit me? Why is the sky blue???  
  
Sephiroth: 1.) You belong to a cult of ritualistic vampires who want to steal people's souls and twist them to their evil will to please the Gods of Darkness. 2.) Aeris who, I have no idea how, was revived and 3.) Because life isn't fair. It should be a pleasant hue of decaying grey.-  
  
Tifa: NO!!! A nice shade of pink!-  
  
Cid: -H#LL NO!!! It'll ALWAYS be blue!!!!  
  
Aeris: Violet is a nice colour! I vote violet!!  
  
Barret: I agree wit' Cid! BLU'!!!  
  
Vincent: Crimson is so fitting for the torment we've caused through pollution.-  
  
Tifa: -PINK!!!! P-I-N-K!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: GREY!!!! DEAD GREY!!!!  
  
Cid + Barret: IT'S @#%&I'N BLUE!!!!!  
  
*Over the large amount of noise, Cloud hears a strange ringing sound that seems faintly familiar*  
  
Cloud: Uh, guys.-  
  
Aeris: *Takes in a deep breath*...................- VVVVVVVIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOLLLLLLLEEEEEEETTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !  
  
Tifa: PINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINKPINK PINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Cloud: GUYS!! THE BELL JUST RUNG!!! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE!!!  
  
All *In unison*: SHUDDAP!!!!!!!!  
  
Cloud: *Looks at the ground* . Uh, yeah. Sorry..  
  
*So all the teachers (Except for Red XIII) are late. What will happen in each of their classes? Will Cid be able to survive fifty minutes without cussing?? Will any of them survive long enough to eat lunch??? Find out in the next chapters of Midgar High!!! 


	2. The Artful Sephiroth meets The Teenage T...

Midgar high school!  
  
_____________________________________________________  
  
Disclaimer:  
  
Lawyers: Say it.  
  
Gaian Skylord: I don't feel like it-  
  
Lawyers: Say it!  
  
Gaian Skylord: No-  
  
Lawyers: SAY IT!!!!  
  
Gaian Skylord: *Temper risen to the point of spontaneous combustion* OKAY!!!! I DON'T OWN FF7, MIDGAR OR SQUARESOFT!!!! HAPPY NOW???!!!!  
  
Lawyers: Yes, very.  
  
Gaian Skylord: Yeah, you should be- *Cough!*- Persistent B@$#@%&S-*Cough! Cough!*  
  
Lawyers: What was that???  
  
Gaian Skylord: .Uh, nothin'. Keep in mind YOU CAN'T SUE ME!!! NOT FOR ANY AMOUNT OF GIL!!!-Err. I mean MONEY!!! (The term "gil" is also owned by Squaresoft, okay! GOD!!!) I AM NOW FREAKIN' INVINCIBLE!!! HAHAHA!!!!  
  
Lawyers: That's what YOU think.  
  
Gaian Skylord: That's what I KNOW!  
  
Lawyers: *Flipping through massive piles of paper that look REALLY important* Your legal records say otherwise.  
  
Gaian Skylord: Oh, CR@P!!!! *Runs from court as fast as humanly possible while being chased by an army of suited Squaresoftian lawyers armed with large, razor-sharp edged briefcases* ___________________________________________________  
  
So, when we left off, everyone was late for their homeroom classes. Well ALMOST everyone (May I remind you of Nanaki A.K.A Red XIII)! The story will now trail behind six kid-versions of various ShinRa employees who will be in Sephiroth's homeroom class. YES! WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. ART WITH THE EVIL GUY FROM FF7!!! THE ONE. THE ONLY. SEPHIROTH!!!!!!!! Now. Let the story COMMENCE!!!  
  
Midgar High School. 9:05 AM.  
  
F-wing. Art room F 124.  
  
Slow and (VERY) fat kid Palmer: Uh? *Looks around, puzzled* Isn't there supposed to be an adult somewhere around here?? You know! Someone to force us to learn and then we become disgruntled grown-up's who hate their jobs??  
  
Troublemaker Reno: *Yawns* Don't know. Don't care.  
  
Palmer: *Shrugs* I wonder who the teacher is? *Smiles dumbly* I hope it's a purple cow.  
  
Strange kid Rude: *Deadpan* No. It's that guy who tried to destroy the world.  
  
Reno: *Looks surprised* Naw! It's what's-'is-name?!  
  
Rude: *Deadpan* Sephiroth  
  
Palmer: *Jumps up and down happily making the walls shudder* COOL!!! WE GOT A PSYCHO FOR AN ART TEACHER!!! WOOO HOOOO!!!!!!!!! *Starts dancing around art tables*  
  
Reno: *Backs away slowly*.You, 'kay?? Palmer??  
  
Palmer: *Dancing around like he's drugged up on Hypers* WE GOT A CRIMIALLY INSANE I-WANT-TO-RULE-THE-WORLD-AS-A-GOD-AND-IF-I-CAN'T-I'LL-DESTROY-IT ART TEACHER!!!! I'M SOOOOOOO GETTING GOOD MARKS NOW!!!!! MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Curious Elena: . Do you think he's gone mad?  
  
Rude: Most possibly. I believe that his mind has been somewhat misplaced and that this sudden transformation could have occurred due to that fact alone  
  
Reno + Elena: HUH?  
  
Rude: *Sigh* .Yes, I think he's gone off the deep end and is now seeing illusions of purple cows playing hop-scotch  
  
Reno + Elena: Oh, okay!  
  
*Suddenly, the sound of rushed footfalls echo down the outside corridor and two panting students burst into the classroom*  
  
Tomboy Scarlett: HA!! I WON!!!! You, my friend, have just lost your lunch money! *Sticks out hand* Pay up!  
  
Tall kid Rufus: I. Ain't. *Pant* . Givin'. Up. *Gasp!* My. MONEY! *Begins to catch breath* YOU'LL HAFTA PRY IT FROM MY COLD DEAD FINGERS FIRST!!! I'LL FIGHT TILL THE END!!!! YOU MAY TAKE MY LIFE BUT, YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MY LUNCH MONEY!!!!!!!  
  
Scarlett: *Shaking head* You like the café pizza way too much, Rufus  
  
Rufus: Yeah, I know. Hey.*Looks around the teacher-less classroom* Where's the evil-psycho-guy-that-tried-to-take-over-the-world,-failed-and-is-now- our-art-teacher dude???  
  
Palmer: *Skipping around the art tables, creating mini-earthquakes every step of the way* I SEE PURPLE COWS WEARING FUZZY BUNNY SLIPPERS WHILE PLAYING HOP-SCOTCH!!! WOOOHOOO!!!!!!  
  
Elena: *Ignores fat kid* We have no idea! He could be anywhere.-  
  
Reno: -Let's just skip-  
  
Menacing-Voice-That-Belongs-To-A-Known-Killer: GOOD MORNING, STUDENTS!  
  
*The kids all gasp, jump and turn around to see an ominous figure standing in the doorway*  
  
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!  
  
Reno: *Running around frantically* OH MY GOD!!!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!! IT'S THE DUDE WHO TRIED TO KILL OFF ALL THE OTHER TEACHERS AND DID KILL ONE BUT SHE WAS REVIVED!!!!!!!  
  
Elena: I think he looks cute!  
  
Reno: Elena?  
  
Elena: Yeah?  
  
Reno: You say too much  
  
Elena: *Shrugs* Common knowledge  
  
Palmer: *Has stopped running around and is now looking as if he's in a trance* . Look at his hair!! *Points at Sephiroth's bangs* I swear, those defy the forces of gravity!!! How much gel do ya think he use's??!!  
  
Rufus: I bet 190 gil that he use's five bottles! *Put down wallet on table*  
  
Scarlett: You're on!!! *Does same*  
  
Elena: *Dazed* Is he ever dreamy. Don't you want to just go up there and hug him??  
  
Reno: *Getting kinda scared* Uh. God no?!  
  
Sephiroth: *Ahem?!* STUDENTS?!  
  
*Everyone shuts up and all eyes are on Sephiroth*  
  
Sephiroth: Good day, inferior lifefo- I mean students! I do not believe I have introduced myself. I am Sephiroth; you may not call me Seph, Sephy and/or Roth. Try *Pulls out Masamune Katana* and I may not be responsible for my actions-  
  
Reno: OHHH!!! Shiny!!  
  
Palmer: *Drooling over the sight of the katana sword* -COOL!!!!!!! SWEET BLADE!!!!!! CAN I-  
  
Sephiroth:-No-  
  
Palmer:-BUT!-  
  
Sephiroth:-NO-  
  
Palmer:-JUST-  
  
Sephiroth:-NOOO!!!!  
  
Palmer: *Subdued* Awww. Darn! Why not?!  
  
Sephiroth: *Deadpan* Because you repulse me. Need I say more?  
  
Palmer: *Thinks, hard* Well. Umm.-  
  
Reno: *Waves hand around madly* Hey, Mister Sephiroth? What're we doin' today? Destroy the world? Revive Jenova?? Go chocobo riding?! Merge with the Lifestream?!?! Make POPCORN???!!!!???  
  
Sephiroth: No.. More diabolical then that.*Puts away Masamune and looks at each of the kids, thoroughly annoyed* we shall. SCULPT!! MWA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!! *Waves sword around crazily while laughing in an extremely nerdy fashion*  
  
Rude *To Elena*: . No wonder he was defeated..  
  
Elena *To Rude*: .Uh huh.  
  
Rufus: Hey, Mister Sephiroth!? How much hair gel do you use!?  
  
*Sephiroth stops laughing and thinks for a second*  
  
Sephiroth: ... Hmmm.... I'd say about.... Four..... No, five bottles...... But, why do you ask? *Scowls evilly* You're after my styling secrets, aren't you?!  
  
*Picks Rufus up by the collar rather roughly*  
  
Sephiroth: You, pre-adolescent scum, will never learn my secrets! I have never revealed them to anyone and it'll remain that way until I join Mother in the Lifestream!!!  
  
Rufus: *Gasping for air* ..... You told Cloud, Zack and Aeris, Didn't you??? .. I mean, their do's defy the laws of physics!.... *Cough! Cough!! Hack! Hack!!!!* ..... Can't feel lungs.... Ow.......  
  
Sephiroth: *Thinks* ... Well, yes I did... But they 'pinkie-square- promised' they wouldn't tell another living soul... I'll still never tell you! What have you got to say to that?!  
  
Reno: *Points to Rufus* Is he supposed to be that colour?  
  
Elena: OH!!! What a lovely shade of deep purple..  
  
Sephiroth: Oh.. Oops..  
  
*Sephiroth puts Rufus down whom, immediately, tries to breathe...*  
  
Rufus: *Clutches throat* Gawk!! Gasp!!  
  
*.... And fails*  
  
Rufus: Ugh... *Faints*  
  
Palmer: OH MY GOD!!! YOU KILLED RUFUS!!!!! DIDN'T YOU KNOW HE WAS A PURPLE COW???!!!???!!! DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL PURPLE COWS???!!!??? *Hops up and down* YOU KILLED A PURPLE COW!!!!!!!!!  
  
Rufus: *Wakes up and looks at Scarlett* You owe me 190 gil!! Ha Ha!!! *Faints*  
  
Scarlett: *Rolls eyes* Yeah, whatever..... *Kicks Rufus sharply in the shin*  
  
*Rufus screams so loudly that no one can hear the little voices in their heads*  
  
Rufus: *Very awake now* OOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY LLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY GODDAMN LLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!! *Hopping around on one foot*  
  
Reno: *Pointing and laughing hysterically* You were hurt by a GIRL!!!!! You WUSS!!!! I HAVE A LEVEL ONE 'ALL' MATERIA THAT'S GOT MORE DIGNITY THEN YOU!!!!!!! YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!  
  
Palmer: *Looks around class, more puzzled then usual* Where have all the purple cows gone?????  
  
_____________________________________________________________  
  
*As the class progresses, the students develop a liking for art. Reno and Rufus discover the delicate war game of 'Clay-Slinging' and continually pelt each other with wads of clay while ducking behind over-turned art tables. Palmer is muttering incoherently about the disappearance of the purple cows in the corner of the room while, absentmindedly, molding a clump of clay into a perfect mini statue of the 'Venus-De-Milo'. Scarlett is making a small model of Jenova (to get on Sephiroth's good side) and Elena is constructing a 'Top-Secret-Weapon-That-Can-Make-Ice-Cream-And-Non- Fat-Milkshakes-That-Taste-Good' out of clay, a Sprite bottle and a garbage disposal. Rude has made some 'spy shades' and, wearing them, leans against a wall muttering quotes from various soap operas. Sephiroth stands alone near the blackboard, silently placing billion year curses on the Education Bureau for condemning him to such a hideous fate as a flying chunk of clay nearly kills him.  
  
Just before the end of the class (and as Reno wins the war, nailing Rufus with a clay nuke the size of a Weapon or even a little bigger), Sephiroth (in his own threatening way) tells them to clean up and display their works to be marked* ____________________________________________________________  
  
Sephiroth: Hmm. *Looks at model Jenova* I'm impressed. To say the least.... Work on the wings.... Nine on ten  
  
Scarlett: *To self* He, he! Breezin'!! *Does retarded victory dance which everyone shields their eyes from to keep from going blind*  
  
*Sephiroth looks at Elena's creation and stares*  
  
Sephiroth: *Deadpan* What is that?! *Pokes it and it starts to hum loudly* It looks like a Sprite bottle and a garbage disposal covered in layers upon layers of clay-  
  
Elena: *Beaming* -Nope! It's a 'Top-Secret-Weapon-That-Can-Make-Ice-Cream- And-Non-Fat-Milkshakes-That-Taste-Good' Machine!! It also doubles as a nuke and a paperweight!!! It's also motion and heat sensitive and will self- destruct if something touches it!!!!  
  
*Humming sound dies*  
  
Rude: Ah.... Crap......-  
  
*BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Need I write more???? (Audience nods vigorously) Awww..... O.k*  
  
*Everyone is thunder-struck, charred and speechless except Palmer*  
  
Palmer: *Jumping up and down happily, jolting everyone off their feet* OOHHHH!!!! LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!!!  
  
All: NO!!!  
  
Palmer: *Subdued once more* Awww.. Darn! *Begins to wander around classroom in search of the elusive purple cows*  
  
*As Sephiroth regains his footing, he looks at the pile of ash at his feet that USED to be an art table*  
  
Sephiroth: *Deadpanner* Rebuild it, work on a shorter name and get me another art table.... *Picks shrapnel out of hair* Seven on ten-  
  
Bell: -BBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: ....... *What Sephiroth is thinking....' OH THANK YOU GOD, THANK YOU!!!!!! THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH IDOICIY ONE CAN TAKE!!!!! I PROMISE I'LL NEVER KILL AGAIN!!!!!!! CROSS MY UHOLY HEART!!!!!!!!'*  
  
Palmer: Oh goodie!! Class is over!!! *Jumps up and down with as much force as a San Franciscan earthquake*  
  
Sephiroth: -!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Is knocked off feet by seismic waves*  
  
Palmer: *Smiles sheepishly* Uh, sorry sir... *Resumes search for purple cows wearing fuzzy bunny slippers while playing hopscotch*  
  
Sephiroth: *Gets up and glares at Palmer* . . . . .*What Sephiroth is REALLY thinking...' PLEASE GOD, CAN I KILL HIM!!! HE WON'T BE MISSED!!!!!!'*  
  
Unearthly-Deep-Voice: No, you may not!!  
  
Sephiroth: ..... *' DAMMIT!!!! WHY NOT???!!!!'*  
  
Unearthly-Deep-Voice: Because you just can't  
  
Sephiroth: .... *' AND IF I DON'T LISTEN?????!!!!!'*  
  
Unearthly-Deep-Voice: I'll smite you into the ground like a railroad spike  
  
Sephiroth: *Sigh*. *' Awww..... Party pooper..... I need some Tylenol.'*  
  
_____________________________________________________________  
  
And, so, Palmer *The fattest kid to trudge across the city of Midgar* got to live another day. What will the rest of the school day have in store for all of them? Does the teachers lounge have Tylenol?? *Let's hope so!* What will happen in their next class??? Hell! I don't even know half the answers to the questions I'm writing!!! Sooooo... Stay tuned for the next chapters of Midgar High. And FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS FINAL FANTASYISH!!!! REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!! 


	3. History Class WITH A TWIST!

Midgar High School!!!!  
  
*NOTE!!!!*: This was co-written by my friend "Splat-Spider" *Who is just as insane as I am, if not, more so! Heh, Heh!!*  
  
Splat-Spider: *Indignant* Hey!! You're evil!!!! EVIL!!!  
  
Gaian Skylord: I'm not evil! *Dons innocent Legolas look* I'm misunderstood!!  
  
Splat-Spider: *Not deceived by innocent look* SURE! That's what you WANT me to think!  
  
Gaian Skylord: Damn. . .. You've seen through my master plan! *Exchanges innocent Legolas look for that of an idiotic criminal mastermind*  
  
Splat-Spider: *Not impressed* I can do better in my sleep! SEE!  
  
*Does evil corky smile which has been outlawed in several states in the U.S.A and five provinces in Canada*  
  
Gaian Skylord: *Shields eyes* AAAHHH!!! ILLEGALNESS!!!!!!  
  
*Runs from room with face as nearly as contorted as Splat-Spider's*  
  
*****************************  
  
3rd-Chapter-Disclaimer-Whatsit: I DO NOT OWN FF7, LORD OF THE RINGS, THE CHARACTERS OR SQUARESOFT!! ALRIGHT???!!! TRY AND SUE ME AND I'LL SICK MY RABID MIDGAR ZOLUM ON YOU!!!  
  
Squaresoftian Lawyers: *Flips through various legal documents* Well. technically speaking, you aren't supp-  
  
Gaian Skylord: *Rolls eyes* -Yeah, yeah. . .. I know. . . I can't have an evil creature from FF7 as a pet but, *Pets the giant serpent's tail lovingly* he's just soooo damn adorable!  
  
*Lawyers watch on in horrid fascination as the (slightly) deranged author of this mindless piece of chocobo manure coos over the large monster, who in turn, makes a rather cat-like purring sound (well. as good a cat-like purring sound as any full grown snake creatures can make, anyway)*  
  
Gaian Skylord *To M.Z*: I wuv you, Fifi! Yes, I do! You cute little man- eating, poisonous snake, you!!  
  
Fifi: *Purring contently* ....sssSSSsss...  
  
Lawyers: ......?! *Giving each other rather terrifying odd looks, then remembering their jobs.* (AHEM!?) This display of...uh.... Illegalness. gives us perfect ground for court action against you and OUR big, fat cobra monster-  
  
Gaian Skylord: *Angry as Hell and getting defensive* -What did you say!!!???  
  
Lawyers: ...Umm.... nothing....-  
  
Gaian Skylord: -WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!??? IF YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN I'LL DISEMBOWEL YOU, FEED YOUR STILL-BEATING HEART TO MY SILVER PIRANHAS, USE YOUR INTESTINES FOR SKIPPING ROPES AND YOUR RIBS FOR A XYLOPHONE!!!!!! NEVER DISS MY LITTLE FIFI AGAIN OR I'LL MAKE GOOD ON MY THREAT!!!! GOT IT!!!!??????!!!!!-  
  
Lawyers: -But it's just an overgrown snake-  
  
Gaian Skylord: *Angrier than Kuja when he is forced to wear low quality eye shadow because of the budget cuts during the making of FF9* YOU ARE NOW INCREDIBLY DEAD!!! I FORGOT BOTH MY SWORD AND SPEAR AT HOME SO I'LL SHOW YOU B@$#@%&S MY UN-BEATABLE POWER WITH MY INVINCIBLE (and extremely fluffy) MIDGAR ZOLUM INSTEAD!!!!! GO, FIFI!!!!! *Drops chain leash* SUPPERTIME!!!!!!!!  
  
Lawyers: *As the Midgar Zolum towers over them* Ah. Crap.  
  
*A really interesting chase scene begins as the S.L's are being chased by the M.Z while G.S cheers the cute M.Z on*  
  
Gaian Skylord: YES!!! GO MY PET!!!!! *evil laugh which I am just too goddamn lazy to write* MAKE THEM FEEL THE WRATH OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD DONUTS AND THE PAIN OF THE VARIOUS DEAD-BEAT ACTORS WHO STAR IN ANNOYING SOAP OPERAS!!!!!! DIE, PARKING TICKETS!!! DDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! _____________________________________________________________  
  
Don't worry! Now I'm sane!... Well, kinda... Heh, heh!!! *Twitch * Where were we? Oh yeah! Soooo. A QUICK RE-CAP: Art class is over. The kids are headed for their next class: History. Sephiroth is headed for the Teachers Lounge: Tylenol. Cloud is completely unaware of the dire peril that he is in and Palmer is still in search of the hopscotch-playing, fuzzy-bunny- slippers-wearing PURPLE COWS!!! *DUN, DUN, DUN!!!*  
  
Midgar High School. . .. 9:51 AM.  
  
A-Wing. . .A-201. . ..  
  
*Cloud is sitting at his hair-gel-cluttered desk, sharpening his Buster Sword while he is supposed to be looking at his lesson plan*  
  
Cloud *to sword*: . . .No longer will you do ONLY a hundred damage, my old friend. No, now you shall do a hundred and ONE damage now!! Tifa's gonna be so amazed-  
  
Bell:-BBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNGGGG!!!!...*sound pitters off due to low school budget*  
  
*Within seconds of the bell ceasing to ring, the chibi Turks, the teenage ShinRa president and the really.uh, 'big-boned'. .. executive (it should say 'Ocean of Lard' but, that would be very uncalled for so I won't type it. FOR NOW! Mwa ha ha ha. ...!? *Gets hit by flying phone booth*) charge in to the classroom with the force of a herd of wild chocobos*  
  
Scarlett: *to Cloud* Are you our History teacher- *looks at schedule* Mister Strife?  
  
Cloud: *looking quite unprofessional, as always* Yeah-  
  
Reno: *points to Cloud whilst attempting to conceal five cases of forties in his jacket (and failing miserably)* -Hey!! You're that guy!  
  
Cloud: *puts sword away and looks at the demonic spawn-err.students (Sorry.learning has severely damaged what little gray matter I have left! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! NO, REALLY! IT'S NOT!!! I BLAME IT ON MY CHILDHOOD!!!!)* Huh? What guy?  
  
Reno: *pushing up sunglasses while trying to look all knowing* The guy who kicked Sephiroth's-  
  
Elena: *Eyes wider than normal* YOU kicked Sephiroth?!?! CAN I HAVE YOUR BOOTS?!?! PLEASE??!! I'M HIS BIGGEST FAN!!!!!  
  
Cloud: *Scared* . . . .Fan of whose?-  
  
*Suddenly, the lights flicker and the longhaired ominous figure standing in the doorway enters the room*  
  
Sephiroth: *causally* Hi, I was just wondering if I could borrow some Tylenol. you see the Teachers Lounge is all out of it and, well. . .- *Spots Elena* Hey, have you found me another art table yet?-  
  
Elena: *Anime hearts fly around head causing epileptic seizures to seagulls flying by the all the school windows* -SEPHIROTH!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! I COULDN'T TELL YOU IN ART BECAUSE OUR TIME WAS CUT SOOO SHORT BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE I CAN!!!!!! MARRY ME!!!!!! WE COULD MAKE BEAUTIFUL MUSIC TOGETHER!!!!!!! *Begins to walk towards the poor guy like a zombie from 'Diablo II'*  
  
Reno: *Shrugs while knocking back a forty* I guess that means 'no' in her language, huh?  
  
*As everyone watches on, Elena begins to advance on the former ShinRa General*  
  
Elena: I WUV YOU, SEPHIROTH!!!! YOU'RE SOOO INCREDIBLY COOL AND BLOODTHIRSTY!!!! I LIKE THAT IN A GUY!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: *Backs away extremely slowly to keep the lovesick creature from going into an uncontrollable frenzy* -!?!????!!?!?!??!?!?!?!??  
  
Elena: *Takes a step forward, arms open and full of evil grasping strength* YOU'RE THE HOTTEST SERIAL KILLER EVER!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: . . .?!?!!!(__)!?????!!!*' DAMMIT!!!! I THOUGHT I HAD ESCAPED YOU!!!!'*  
  
Unearthly-Deep-Voice: Nope, I'm still here. . . *Snickers and psychically points to Elena* and so is she!  
  
*Screen shifts back to Elena who is holding something within a small-balled fist*  
  
Elena: *Tongue hanging out of face* LET ME BE YOUR QUEEN OF DARKNESS!!!! IF YOU DON'T, I'LL SUMMON A FEARFUL DEMONIC BEING USING THIS MATERIA!!!! *Holds up purple-spotted pink-red summon materia menacingly*  
  
Cloud: *Scratching head* Vincent's at his class, though. . ..plus, I've never seen that materia before..-  
  
Elena: *smug* Of course you haven't!! It's been made in secret by the Turks and is gonna be used to rule the universe and-  
  
Rufus + Reno + Scarlett + Rude: Elena???  
  
Elena: *looking innocent* Yeah?  
  
Rufus + Reno + Scarlett + Rude: SHUDDUP!!!  
  
Rude: *thinking to self..'I just spoke?! And loudly, I might add, too.. That does it!! If I am to keep my mysterious persona I am going to have to stay silent as is necessary!....'*...........................................  
  
Elena: ... Um *Thinks for second* ... .. .. .. .. *Grins evilly* NO!! I WILL NOT!!!! NOW, I SHALL SUMMON FORTH THE EVILLEST BEING ON THE FACE OF GAIA!!!!-  
  
Sephiroth: *confuzzled* -But. . ... I'm already here. . . ... OR AM I???????  
  
*Twilight Zone music plays in background*  
  
Cloud: *shrugging* Physically, yeah. Mentally, well. . .. .. . .. . . . . ... . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . ...it's kinda another story in itself-  
  
Sephiroth + Elena: HEY!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: *pouts indignantly* I'm not mindless. . . I'M MISUNDERSTOOD!!!!!!!!  
  
All *except Elena*: HELL NO!!!!!!  
  
Reno: Even I'M considered normal compared to you!!! *takes another swig of vodka which he has been hiding under his desk* Wait for it. . .. Wait for it. . . BBBBBBBBEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Rufus: *Thoroughly disgusted and showing it by scrunching up he nose* Ugh. Eww.. Dirty, man.  
  
*Reno smiling proudly*  
  
Reno: I thought it was pretty good, actually! One of my better ones, I must say... but then again, you have yet to see me belch the ShinRa national anthem which is truly something to behold! I can do it having only drunk about ten bottles of-  
  
Rufus: *Covers face with hand* . . . . You brain-dead, liver-damaged cow-  
  
Palmer: *Looks up hopefully* PURPLE COW?! MWEEE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Begins to skip around classroom while screaming quotes from various brain-deadening soap operas*  
  
*The silence is so profound that it drives a neighboring chocobo farm's chocobos to go bury their heads in the sand and shake uncontrollably*  
  
Cloud: *Large anime sweatdrop* Uh. . .. is he okay?????  
  
Scarlett: *Does annoying "beyond all possible reason" laugh (which should be outlawed on Gaia in general due to it's ability to drive cattle mad, kill chickens, spontaneously combust bananas, uproot trees and turn eggs into nuclear explosives when cooked in one's microwave) everyone plugs their ears to keep from going both deaf and dumb* Yep, he always acts this way when he even makes the slightest attempt to use his brain, which is kinda funny considering it's soooo microscopic it hardly exists  
  
Cloud: *Unplugs ears*. .. ..Oh, okay!  
  
Reno: *Belching alphabet* A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H!!-  
  
Rufus: *Covering ears with hands* Ugh.. . . . the sound. . . .the SOUND!!!!  
  
Reno: -I-J-K-L-M-N-O. . . .. . Damn!! I've run outta gas!!! *Blubbers drunkenly* Life's unfair!!!! *Hic!!*  
  
Palmer: Ahem!- *Standing beneath the 'Air duct of Doom' *DUN, DUN, DUN!!!!!* which is inhabited by the killer dust bunnies of Mordor* -'Like sand through the hourglass, so are the cows of our lives'!-....... ARGGH!!!  
  
*Palmer is then assaulted by a killer dust bunny speaking Mordorese and runs from room screaming something about the chibi Nazgul and their evil thirst for the One Salad (*For reference of these matters, look in "The Blue Book of Eastmarch"*). In other words, Palmer is running *trudging slowly* for his life as pack of wild, rabid, killer dust bunnies chase him at a slow crawling pace*  
  
Cloud: *to Rufus* Early senility?  
  
Rufus: *arches eyebrow* EARLY? He's forty five already-  
  
*Suddenly, the "Who wants to be a millionaire" theme starts playing, the lights dim and a blue spotlight shines on Elena who is now holding a cue card*  
  
Elena: -What are you going to do, Sephy! Are you going to . . .  
A.) Marry me and live  
  
B.) Don't marry me and get your sweet be-hind kicked severely, wrapped and handed to you with a pink bow on top by  
  
C.) my amazingly-evil-monster-summon-thingy  
  
D.) Die a horrible death at the hands of your OTHER fan girls or..  
  
E.) B.), C.) and D.) ????  
  
Rude: . . . ..*to self* . . .I thought she liked Tseng. . . .  
  
Sephiroth: *Eyes glowing with hate as he re-obtains spine* What I said in Art stands. *Draws katana and scowls evilly*  
  
Elena: *Drops cue card* Are you going to CUT me with that!!??? *Eyes shinning with wonder*  
  
Sephiroth: *Deadpan* No, I'm going to kill you with it  
  
Elena: Ohh...Okay!! *Mesmerized by Sephiroth's Blue\Gray\Green mako eyes*  
  
*Sephiroth slowly raises sword*  
  
Cloud: *Thinks whilst everything begins to register within his dangerously spikey head (which I believe could have defeated Sephiroth alone because of the incredible amount of hair gel used to maintain it. it must be as strong as the smell of the cafeteria's "mystery meat melange slop".X2!!!)* Something isn't right here...  
  
*Without warning, the door opens and a long blond-haired-pointy-eared someone wearing green and brown clothes wanders into the room and is clearly so intoxicated he can hardly stand up. Yesss!!!! It's Legolas!!!!!  
  
*Legolas wanders tipsily around the room before crashing into a chair in the far corner of the classroom, and then becomes the center of attention*  
  
*Uneasy silence*  
  
Cloud *advancing towards drunken figure* : I think you've had enough . . .  
  
Legolas *speaking slowly and with great difficulty* Y-you can't have it . . .*looks craftily at Cloud* I-I'm n-not giving it to you . . . *puts a protective arm around the jug he had been wandering around with in Lothlorien.* I dr-drank it all . . .S'empty.  
  
Reno *grumbling*: Just when I thought I was best . . . ....  
  
Legolas: I always do this when Gandalf diess . . ....  
  
All *in unison* : oooooooohhhh . . .....  
  
Scarlett: *annoying laugh that destroyed all the mythical cities ever recorded as mythical cities and the source of all natural disasters* it's all so clear now . . .......  
  
Legolas *drunkenly thoughtful* I-I wish he would st-stop d-doing that . . .  
  
Sephiroth *grumbling* : Stupid drunken inferior lifeform . . .  
  
Legolas *looking to Sephiroth while mistaking him for someone else* G- Gandalf???  
  
Sephiroth *deadpan*: No  
  
Legolas *slowly recites a string of cusswords which he had learned off of a certain unaware-that-there-was-an-elf-following-him-around pilot during his (mostly) fruitless wanderings of the school* Ah . .F#!&&!^ . .@$$h0|e . . .B@$+@%d$ . . .  
  
Sephiroth *to Cloud* : May I? *pulls out katana and nods towards Legolas*  
  
Unearthly-deep-voice + Cloud: No  
  
Sephiroth: But-  
  
Unearthly-deep-voice + Cloud: No!  
  
Sephiroth: Please-  
  
Unearthly-deep-voice + Cloud: NOOO!!!  
  
Cloud: *annoyed thoroughly* I-WANT-TO-TEACH!!!!!!!!-  
  
Unearthly-deep-voice: *thunderbolts and lightening* -NO, YOU CANNOT TEACH, CHILD!!! *commanding voice of the heavens* THERE IS MUCH A FOOT HERE WITHIN THESE WALLS!!!!!... SO, AS THE ANCIENT ONES ONCE PROCLAIMED, *clears throat psychically* PUT A SOCK IN IT SO I MAY WATCH THIS FIFTY MINUTE PROGRAM!!!!!! *thunderbolts and lightening; very, VERY frightening*  
  
Sephiroth + Cloud: *subdued (for the time being)* Awww . . .you ruin my fun . . .I need some Tylenol . . .  
  
Legolas: *Elvish belch* Ah, Elbereth!. Gilthoniel.. Silivern penna.. Miriel..*disappears in a cloud of elvish smoke*  
  
All: *Blink-blink*....  
  
Reno: *sullen* ....Just when I thought I was best at escaping strange situations involving education and smoke.... *takes another good swig of Vodka* Ah, LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!  
  
*Suddenly, an aura of kindness fills the room as a vision of loveliness comes into view*  
  
Aeris: *knocks on door* hello??? is everything okay in here?? Is everyone alright??  
  
Sephiroth: *puts away katana and smiles* Yes, everyone's fine here. And yourself? *What Sephiroth is thinking! Aeris isn't so inferior . . .in fact she's quite intelligent, for someone who hasn't been pumped with Jenova cells . . .and pretty too. She and I have alot in common . . .I can't believe I . . .I can't even think about it . . .HOW COULD I HAVE EVEN LAID A FINGER ON HER??!!* *Starts to cry on the spot, but hides the fact by looking out the window*  
  
*(Little does Sephiroth know that during his time of reflective thought, his face had turned bright red and then pale white in the space of about three seconds)*  
  
*While Aeris began talking with Rufus about the mysterious guest appearances in their history class, Cloud couldn't help but notice Sephiroth's face, which seemed to be imitating a traffic light as the villain faced the lovely Cetra. Dawn of realization struck, and Cloud went and barfed out yonder window. From outside, a female enraged shriek of disgusted anger is heard accompanied by several long screams of fury. Cloud pulls his head back within the safety of the classroom and shuts the shatter-proof windows as a barrage of small boulders, aimed directly for Cloud, bounce of them*  
  
All: *blink-blink*  
  
Cloud: *opening a small crack in the window as the barrage stops for the moment* .Tifa! I honestly didn't see you!-  
  
*Cloud quickly shuts the window as the barrage resumes its destructive pattern*  
  
*Even MORE crickets chirp*  
  
Aeris: *shock, hand flies to cover her gasping mouth* Cloud! YOU DIDN'T!!!  
  
Cloud: ...*bows head as the rocks keep ricocheting* I-I didn't mean to-  
  
Sephiroth: *Eyes wide* -I think it best to leave now. Even JENOVA cells won't save me if I'm still around when Tifa arrives! *shudder* She will finish off the puppet and come to seek revenge upon me for nearly killing her!!! *re-obtains spine once again* ... I have to talk to Vincent anyway.. See if he has some Tylenol *thoughtful* or maybe he snarfed it all when he was sleeping in his coffin last night..  
  
*Sephiroth leaves, walking briskly down the hall like the hounds of hell were at the backs of his black his riding boots*  
  
*Suddenly, the sound of heavy objects being thrown against the windows stop causing everyone to look up in alarm. Cautiously, Cloud opens the badly scratched sliding panel that was once a window and looks down at the ground*  
  
Cloud: *In alarm* THIS IS NOT GOOD!!! *looks around, the glint of a hunted animal shining dully in his mako eyes* SHE'S GONE TO GET MORE HEAVY ROCKS OR WORSE!!!!!- *gasps in horror* SHE'S ON HER WAY TO MY ROOM TO MAKE ME PAY!!!!!! *panics profusely*  
  
*The kids all watch on in terror*  
  
Rufus: *deadpan*..........Having a girlfriend is not worth this much trouble. I think I'll stick with my money.... Money won't come after you with fifty pound boulders AND force you to apologize over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again under pain of death.....  
  
Reno: *shaking head* Dude, you're gonna die a lonely miser and when you do- *grins evilly* -I'm gonna take all your cash!!!!! UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF ALCOHOL, HERE I COME!!!!!  
  
Rufus: *deadpan* I can have you fired, you know.....  
  
Rude + Elena: *Looking quite scared* But.....But......But.......But.....But......But......But.................... ..... *cough! Tear! Emotional BREAKDOWN!!*  
  
Rufus: *smacking forehead* NO! *to Elena and Rude* Not YOU Two!!!!!! *exasperated sigh!!!*  
  
Scarlett: *randomly thoughtful* How did I get involved with YOU people, anyway?. *flashback music begins but tampers off due to increasingly low budget cuts*  
  
Aeris: *heading for the door, a look of pure concern written across her face* well, I've got to be going. I'll go and talk to Tifa, okay, Cloud? I'm sure she'll listen to reason. *glances at the clock on the classroom wall and her look of concern turns to one of pure panic* -but-first-I've- got-to-get-my-lesson-plan-and-music-sheets-sorted-out-and-then-the-student- assignment-pages-and-I'll-talk-with-her-later-Cloud-bye!!!!!!!  
  
*Aeris runs swiftly from the room in pursuit of a photocopier*  
  
Cloud: *slowly re-obtains spine, to Turk and Shinra president's son* alright..... it seems I only have a few more minutes to live, so I might as well use them to teach you guys a little bit about the History of the Planet. The Cetra-  
  
Bell:-BBBBBRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! *tampers off due to increasingly low budget cuts*  
  
*within a fifth of a second of the sick metallic clamber, the classroom is empty and even more crickets chirp. Cloud, distressed mentally from the thought of Tifa's 'Premium Heart' gloves mashing him into a blonde-purple mess of mangled epidermis and vital organs, quickly leaves the room, locking the door behind him, and, glancing down the empty halls, begins the longest stealth mission on the face of Gaia*  
  
Cloud: *to self as ducking in and out of open lockers in the direction of the teachers lounge* Have almighty master key of education, will travel.. Have almighty master key of education, will travel.. Have almighty master key of education- *reaches into pocket for the 'almighty Master Key of Education (which is, more or less, a twisted hairpin)' so to unlock the teachers lounge door but.*  
  
*yet another uneasy silence*  
  
Cloud: *frantically looking through pockets for the 'Almighty' Master Key of Education, which seems to have disappeared into thin air like half the sanity in this particular chapter* Where-is-it!?!?!?! Where-is-it?!?!?!?! *panicking* It WAS RIGHT HERE A SECOND AGO-  
  
*AND THEN A SINISTER FEMALE SHADOW ENVELOPS THE END OF TH HALL WITH ITS MALEVIOLENCE!!!!!! (and it's not Kuja!!!)*  
  
Tifa: *at the end of the hall in all her clothing marred glory, looking around for the main character with a dangerous gleam in her deep brown eyes* -Oh, Cloud?! Where ARE you Cloud? *cracking knuckles morbidly as she walks, unaware of our hero's presence down the next hall* I would like to talk with you, Cloud..... Concerning you, me, your stomach and little friend of mine.....*tightens gloves*  
  
*A eternally long amount of time passes (five or so odd minutes), the hall is clear and Cloud breathes a sigh of relief*  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------  
  
What new Classes await our evil corporation's misguided youths? What has happened to the mysterious purple spotted pink-red summon materia thingy? Will Rude ever speak again?! Will Sephiroth get his Tylenol or will Vincent have snarfed it all?! Will Legolas join the EAA (Eleven Alcoholics Anonymous)?!?! Will Cloud escape Tifa's wrath??!! WILL I EVER BE SANE???!!!.....why do I even ask that? ^-^! Find out IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF MIDGAR HIGH SCHOOL!!! *and don't forget to bring the popcorn!*  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: ..Goddamn.. Sorry, again, to all my readers. I've been studying for exams and writing up various finals so I haven't had much free time on my hands.. BUT FEAR NOT!!!!! I'm back and writing as much as ever!!!. however, I'm kinda stumped on the fact I don't know who should be teaching in the next chapter and that.... the fact I don't KNOW what to write..... is quite terrifying.. *shudders*...... anyhow, this is the part in which I, the great and powerful Gaian Skylord, go down on both knees, beg, bribe and plead with you to come and review my work BUT this time, instead of just reviewing, tell me in your review what class I should have in my next chapter and who should be teaching it!!! YES!!! I'M GIVING YOU A CHANCE TO CALL THE SHOTS!!!!-*COUGH!*- anyway.... yeah! So, again, for the sake of everything in which there are Chocobos, Cids, Gaia, Captains, Generals and moogles RIDING chocobos, REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
-Gaian Skylord 


	4. Liturature meets the Matrix! Is nothing ...

****

Disclaimer-whatnot:…

As usual, I must inform you that I do not _own_ FF7, the characters, Squaresoft, Harry Potter or anything related to the epitome of laziness or the extent of the scientifically challenged mind!!!………..*takes breath, grins evilly and holds up prized possessions* But I **_DO_** own the leader of the Mordorese dust bunnies and these two chibified 

Squaresoftian lawyers 

Squaresoftian Lawyers: *In palm of G.S's hand, nervously rifling through various legal documentation* _TECHNICALLY_, you don't own us; this is more of a hostage situation in which, if we are ever rescued, the P.F.T.E.T.O.S.L.C…(people for the ethical treatment of squaresoftian lawyers council.) We'll ruin you! And take your Midgar Zolum! *Laugh manically*

Gaian Skylord: *deadpan* you do want to live to see FF XIII don't you? *flexes fingers menacingly* 

Terrified-chibified Squaresoftian lawyers: *in Vivish innocent tones* you'll never get away with this!

G.S: *grinning madly* Too late, I already have!!! *laughs manically and drops the two lawyers into an empty hamster cage* now shut up and eat your damn greens! *lightening illuminates the darkened room* Ha! Haha! Hehhahaha!!!

Odd-voice-which-no-one-can-tell-where-the-hell-its-coming-from: MUAHAHAHA!!

Gaian Skylord: *Jumps angrily as our first cameo appears* DAMN YOU!!!!!! THAT'S MY THING!!!!!!! ……………… evil-spotlight-hogging-guest-appearancing-guests………………… *Glares sullenly*

Swift Gryfalcon: *Steps from the shadows, grinning gryphonically* Sorry, I couldn't resist ^^

Gaian Skylord: *growls sullenly as massive nerve-pop ensues* You HAD to steal the best part of the evil Hojo laugh I created………IT TOOK ME THREE MONTHS TO CREATE THAT THING, YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!! IT-TOOK-ME-THREE-MMMMOOOONNNNTTTHHHSSS-*suddenly sees something more abnormal than an army of chibified elves wearing pantaloons and fake mustaches* -WAIT A SECOND!!!!!!*eyes widening* Swift, what are you doing behind that mako-filled evil vacuum cleaner that is obviously Jenova's mode of transportation?!?!

Swift: *Shrugs* helping you with your fan-fic, what else?………OH!!! and eating these! *holds out glowing blue/green/gray Mako-filled strawberries* they taste good if you chew them like this!!! *pops the seeds of evil into facial cavity and chomps down upon the uholy-uh-strawberries…. with all the might of a africanized-killer-zucchini* O…o.o' …………… I t'ink I bit ma tongue…….. .'

Gaian Skylord: *sweatdrop* I'll try some later, 'kay?

Swift: OH!!!! *comes out from behind the evil mako-filled vacuum cleaner* and look what I found! *holds up purple-spotted pink-red summon materia* I wonder what it summons?

Gaian Skylord: ……………………..*thinks (YES!!!! THIS IS A RARE AND MOMENTOUS OCCASION WHICH WILL END PROMPTLY………… NOW!!!!!)* I don't have a clue…… Wait!………………………………………………. …………… *Brain shutdown* …….Nope! Got no idea!!

*Crickets chirp*

Swift: *impatient* Sooooooo…….. can I summon it yet??????

Gaian Skylord: *acting as wise as a muffin*Swift, you DO realize that whatever creature you summon might come after us, considering there aren't any monsters around here to obliterate and all…..

Swift: *more impatient* AND??? YOUR POINT BEING WHAT????? 

Gaian Skylord: *shrugs and grins* Ah hell…. SUMMON THE THING ALREADY!!!!! 

*The summoning, SHE BEGINS!!!!*

Gaian Skylord: *eyes suddenly begin to widen as the magicky circle of summoning light begin to swirl* WAIT!!! Swift! Put that away! *smacks out of hand* *the purple-spotted pink-red Materia falls into the hamster cage and is quickly snatched up by chibified squaresoftian lawyers*

Squaresoftian Lawyers: *looking the pee-wee version of triumphant* Ha! We can use this all powerful summon material to escape! *materia starts to glow* yes! We summon the great monster that will help us escape! *Summons carrot* …o.o

Swift: *Nerve-pop* Ouch! Mrrrrrrr……. that wasn't necessary! *rubs throbbing red hand*

G.S: *looks down at carrot* I suppose it wasn't all that necessary…... but when I realized what vegetable you were about to summon, I-I….. I COULD HELP BUT WANT TO SUMMON IT MYSELF!!!!!!!! THE ALMIGHTY KING OF GARDENS, CARROT!!!!!!!! *bawls*

Swift: *death glare* Mrrrrr! Your uppance will come! 

G.S: *re-obtains spine* That's what you think! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!- *Random bathtub filled to the brim with soapy water falls on Gaian Skylord* -ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! CLEANESS!! *runs around frantically then glares with ALL the malevolence of a Furby at Swift*

Swift: *dons Legolas innocent look*….It wasn't me!!!! I swear!!! *rubber duck hits Swift on head* . 0.0

Another quick recap:

Cloud never DID teach anything to the confused-misguided teenaged Turks, Sephiroth escaped from Elena and her teenaged crush AND her purple-spotted pink-red summon materia…no to mention the sudden appearance and disappearance of a certain intoxicated blond pointy-eared someone who should really join Elven Alcoholics Anonymous (The E.A.A). Tifa is looking for a clean shirt and the blond spikey-haired punching bag who is responsible for her first search. And Palmer is being chased by the Mordorese dust bunnies but is still on the lookout for…..(need I write it)…the wonderful fuzzy bunny-slipper-wearing hopscotch-playing Purple Cows!!!!!!!!! Ha…. Haha!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!

Swift: MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

G.S: *glares* Okay, you can stop doing that now!!!

Midgar High School the 4th chapter

The Matrix has been changed!!!!!!!!….Fluffy?

Midgar High School………. 10:40………………

B-wing……..B-382…….

Second bell rings: BRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIII *fizzles off due to budget cuts*

*Red XIII, who is vigorously rubbing a protective layer of oil on the Limited Moon, is startled as the teenage Turks bustle into his classroom and take various seats around it* 

Red XIII: *places Limited Moon behind head* All right, welcome class!! I am your mentor, mister-

Rufus: *eyes narrow* -filthy through rug-

Red XIII: *sweatdrop* uh, I'll forget I heard that… but, no ……never mind, since you all know my name or should by now considering it is on your schedule sheets…….Now, who can name me one of Shakespeare's plays?

Scarlet: *Thinking for once (but not tooooo hard)* isn't that one of Cid's weapons? Shake's Spear?

Red XII: OOF!!!! *is momentarily winded*

Rufus: What's wrong, Mr. Red?

Red XIII: *gasping for breath* …very bad pun…ugh…no, Shakespeare was a famous Elizabethan playwright, now!!! *looks hopeful* Can anyone name one of his plays? 

Rude: *stands up* ARMAGEDDON!!! *sits down and resumes persona*……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Reno: *pound desk* The Matrix!!!! THE MATRIX!!!!!!! 

Elena: *daintily* Legally Blond, of course!!!

*All stare stunned, blinking at our favourite unintentional Informant of AVALANCHE*

Elena: *annoyed* what! *indignant* you obviously don't know TRUE acting until you see that!!!!! Hmph!!!

Red XIII: *bigger sweatdrop* eerrr, you're all very close but no… one of Shakespeare's plays is Romeo and Juliet… a tragic love story- *COUGH! COUGH!* -to which Vincent always compares his old love-life- *COUGH! COUGH!* ahem….. Now, as I was saying, Romeo and Juliet were from two warring households-

*At that moment the light flicker and a long-haired ominous figure standing in he doorway enters the room*

Sephiroth: *as casually as possible shuts he door on the Mordorese dust bunnies* 

Palmer: *Arrives just after Sephiroth panting and sweating after a vigorous* (yet somewhat slow-paced) run from the persistent lint rabbits* -NO! Wait don't shut the- 

*The SLAM!!!! generated by the door leaves a new imprint upon the (already) stretched exterior flesh of the fat-…. -Well, I don't want to name any species of monster or animal alike….. it would be an insult to them*

Sephiroth: *super suave* hello, I was wondering if you had any Tylenol…..*eyes widen slightly* Whoa! Déjà vu!!!!

*Reno looks to Rude, eyes wide and filled with the generic substitute for fear A.K.A toothpaste*

Reno + Rude: THE MATRIX HAS BEEN CHANGED!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Sephiroth: *raises an eyebrow* ……Did I miss something-* looks around the room and meets the eyes of his obsessive fan Elena (which are now slightly larger than the hub caps off of a monster truck*

Elena: *in Golumish voice* Sephiroth! Sephiroth! Where for art thou Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: *seeing life pass before eyes (if you can call THAT a life…..)*…Sweet Jenova's vacuum cleaner!!!!!-

Cloud: *overhears and randomly sticks head through open window* -_actually_ Jenova doesn't have a vacuum cleaner anymore; she had to sell it due to budget cuts…..…*Thoughtful* She _also_ had to take a second job as a strawberry vendor in order to pay the rent for the evil Northern Crater Hideoutty-thing……….. ACK!!!!!!!!!! *sees Tifa and bolts*

*Sounds of muffled threats and dust clouds fill the outside atmosphere as the hunt resumes*

Sephiroth: *Ignores Cloud's exit* My mother without a vacuum cleaner! *Puts hand to chin* this will not do….. (and so begins Sephiroth's quest for the holy) yet evil…-

Swift: Hey!!! *raises eyebrow* -How does THAT work?

Gaian Skylord: *resumes glare* Shut up Swift! Ahem!-

(-Yet evil mako-filled vacuum cleaner)

Swift: *hopefully* Which is obviously Jenova's mode of transportation?

Gaian Skylord: ….-_-' why not?

Swift: YEAH!!!!! *does gryphonic victory dance but trips and falls over Rufus' oversized ego*

*Elena makes a mad leap for Sephiroth who in turn fumbles desperately for the door-handle. Elena lands in front of the door slamming it shut*

Elena: *in evil-possessive tones* There's no escape my love! MUAHAHAHA!!!!!! *twitches nervously*

Sephiroth: *keeps rewinding life before eyes and playing it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again* AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I'M STUCK IN BOTH MENTAL AND PHYSICAL LIMBO!!!!!!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *abandons the door and makes a mad dash for the open window*

Rufus**: *clears throat*** Erm….. See Sephiroth. See Sephiroth run. Run, Sephiroth, run! *looks towards his furry mentor* can I get a few extra marks for that, sir? 

Red XIII: *sweatdrop be enough to sink Atlantis five times over* Normally, I would say no, but since all sanity has obviously left this classroom and is currently residing within the empty teacher's lounge…………. *sigh* sure, why not………..

Rufus: Thank you, sir! *to self* heh, heh, get the goods while merchants are weak!! Old man, you taught me better than you think, heh, heh……. *yes, it is a Shinra thing and runs in their (and, only their, thank the great pumpkin) family* 

*meanwhile, Sephiroth is hurtling toward the open window as fast as is physically possible, the cool breeze of freedom a short distance away…………. Methinks it's time to fix that little problem! ^.^*

*Cloud randomly pops up at his window once more*

Cloud: GOOD! A Tifa-free zone…….. ahhhh…… *looks back through the window* Ahhhhhh!!!!! *Sees Sephiroth hurtling toward him and shuts the window quickly* He's after me too!!! First Tifa and now the guy I defeated in order to save the planet!!!! WHY DO _THEY_ WANT TO KILL ME?!?!?! WHY ME!!!!!!!! EEEPPPPS!!!!! *climbs nearby tree due to a combination Tifa sighting and budget cuts*

*THE HUNT…… IS _STILL_ ON………*

Sephiroth: *hits the glass window pane with all the grace of a (slightly) crazed butterfly on acid and turns to the advancing Elena more frightened than Freya when she finds Sir Fratley in an aloha T-shirt, with sunglasses and a surfboard* 

Red XIII: *feels bad for the criminally insane ex-Shinra General and decides to lend a helping ha- err…. paw…….* Elena! Stop terrorizing you art teacher! *stands on hind legs and opens the door* let the poor thing out!

Sephiroth: *dashes for the open door which to him is flooded with the super celestial light of freedom (and an escape from the blonde-lovesick-creature known only as Elena, failed project number-14362536457……….. That sick #$^%%^# Hojo…Grrrrrrr……)*

Palmer: *crawls in and after being mauled by the evil Mordorese dust bunnies almost feels tempted to pause his search for the purple cows……. Almost, but not quite!* 

Palmer: *aside* WHAT!? *To crowd of fans* NEVER!!!!!!!

*Erm……… fine then.*

Red XIII: *trying to regain his educational status as an English teacher and succeeding* Class (ahem!) I thought we'd go outside today and read parts from Romeo and Juliet.

Rude:………………………..*deadpan* yeah……………… literature………

Scarlet: *Excited* Yeah!!! Literature!!!! *blink, blink* ……What's literature?

Red XIII: *sweatdrop* let's just go outside……..

*And so Red leads his class out the door, but doesn't get very far…Sephiroth is standing beside the door and holds him back*

Sephiroth: *deadpan* Wait a minute.

*Red, Seph and the teenage Turks all look on as an odd figure with a lightning shaped scare on his forehead whizzes by on a broomstick Red begins to move forward.

Sephiroth: *deadpan* Wait

*Harry Potter (if you haven't already guessed) yells as Fluffy (Hagrid's large three-headed dog who has had nothing to do since the philosopher's stone was destroyed)

Gallops past the B-382 English class. Who is followed in turn by a random Midgar Zolum*

Swift: Well, not Soooo random…*looks closely* isn't that Fifi?

Gaian Skylord: *shocked* What?! Fifi! No! You just had your dinner!! Don't make a Palmer of yourself!!!!!!

*Fifi in turn is being chased by the Mordorese dust bunnies* 

Gaian Skylord: *eyes widen* Fifi!! *runs after the Midgar Zolum with all the speed and recklessness of an elastic band being shot across nine intersections at ground level….. AT RUSH HOUR!*

*After the slightly carnivorous parade of odd beasts and one wizard-in-training Red XIII, the teenage shinra president and the chibi Turks stand, blinking loudly. (BLINK, BLINK)*

Sephiroth: *deadpan* Its all right…you can go now.

Red XIII: * 0.- * ….. um….. Right! Let's go class! *points ahead with paw and looks triumphantly educated* TO THE GRASS!!!!!! *SUPER-HOLY-MAGICKY-MUSIC!!!!*

*The small group descends the school's main stairway slowly but surely*

Red XIII: *exasperated* I feel like I've been down this same flight of stairs for the umpteenth time-

Reno + Rude: * sensing déjà vu with their high tech 'Shinra Déjà vu Checkers' they bought off of Rufus between classes* -THE MATRIX HAS BEEN CHANGED!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-

Red XIII: *Winces, making a face more contorted than Quina when He/She finds out He/She has eaten the last frog in Qu's marsh* I wish you wouldn't do that…….

*Red XIII leads the Turks down the final flight of stairs and Palmer (despite gravity's aid) is hyperventilating like the Fat Chocobo on a tread mill. Aeris and her aura of kindness meets them on the last step*

Aeris: *Wipes hand across brow* its all set Red, it took a lot of hard work, time and nurturing, but I think I actually go it to grow!

Red: *nods a thank you* You have my eternal gratitude Aeris, you don't know how much this means to us.

Rude: *raises an eyebrow behind his glasses*…..what ARE you talking about?

Red XIII: *grins as much as a talking lion-beast can* you'll see

*Red XIII leads the Turks to a tiny patch of greenery hardly big enough for a chibi squaresoftian lawyer mini-put hole.*

Chibified Squaresoftian Lawyers: *all whine I disappointment from inside their golf-free cage* This is INHUMAN!!!!!! You cannot expect to keep us locked up AND steal from us the one thing that we take joy in!!!!! WE-WANT-MINI-PUTT!!!!!!!!

Reno: *stares at (almost) non-existent grass* WHAT is THAT……and does it have alcoholic properties?

Red XIII: *looks down proudly at tiny spec of weeds, eyes start to tear* THAT is the little miracle that will bring life back to the slums *bends down closer the miniscule dandelion as an aura of holiness begins to shine and that annoying choir from the 'Safer Sephiroth' boss begins to sing* this is the first vegetation to grow in Midgar outside the sector 5 church and as such should be treated with a great deal of respect…..AAACHOOO!! *rubs irritated snout* it's a shame I'm allergic to it…

Reno: *turns back on enthralled English teacher and the sorry excuse for a stunted thistle* If it has no alcoholic properties it is of no use to me…..do you think I'm an alcoholic??

All: *thinks (but not TOO hard)*…….NAWWWWWW!!!

Scarlet: *folds arms in a business-like pose* So, why are we here?…to bask in the glory of this blade of grass…..-like thing?

Red XIII: precisely…ACHOO!!!! *headdress feathers wilt noticeably*

Rufus: *tries to be cool by running a hand through his hair…and fails miserably* That's not even grass…it's a weed…a filthy disgusting weed!

Red XIII: *shaking head and the swollen nose that is attached to it* No, no! It's a beautiful miracle of nature! A-a-a…*SNIFF* if only I had some Cleratin……

Palmer: *finally reaches the bottom of the stairs* PUFF, PUFF …..purple cows?…Puff..Puff *Spots weed* oooooo!! Green-grass-thingy!! *runs over (crawls slowly)*

Red XIII: *feeling a sense of impending doom* Palmer, no! No!!! Stay where you are!

Palmer!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAACHOO!!!!!!!!!!

*Red's cry travels through the air just like the super-fatted behind of Palmer…….. only Red's voice does not reach the tiny spec of grass. As the tsunami of lard crashes down upon the poor plant, ten-thousand chlorophyll cells cried out in pain and were silent.*

Red XII : *Frantically tries to remove the large gelatinous blob smothering the weed* No! Palmer get off!!

Elena: *points a finger nonchalantly* you sat on a miracle

Reno: *desperately trying to be as evil as possible* I think there was a purple cow lying there too

Palmer: p-p-purple….c-cow? WAAAAAAAA *a tsunami of salt water follows the tsunami of lard as Palmer bawls uncontrollably*

Rude: *inches away from the (slightly) smaller version of the ocean puddle that is growing slowly around his indigo tap shoes* ................................................................................................................................................ *looks at watch and runs away to next class*

Elena: OH!!!! Rude, you forgot your leg warmers! *holds up pink and white leg warmers*

Rude: *comes back all of a sudden and grabs the leg warmers from Elena* ... Yoink! *runs away*

Scarlet: *Thoughtful* How come everyone says I'm Lucifer's wife???-

*Random wisp of silver enters the room in all her boisterous GLORY!!!!! YES!!! IT IS THE AUTHOR, DAUGHTER GODDESS!!!!!!*

Daughter Goddess: *Thunder bolts and lightening, extremely frightening*I AM the Daughter of the Mother Goddess hence the name Daughter Goddess *Angry as hell* and THAT'S MY TITLE YOU HAVE JUST STOLEN!!!!!!! YOU BIG FAT !@#%$^%^%&%&%^$#%@!!@#!~$%%^%@#$@~#-!~@# !@##%$^%$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Bashes Scarlet over head with the almighty GOLDFISH OF DOOM!!!!!! And disappears in a blast of Mango peels*

All:......................................................*shrugs* Whatever.............................

Scarlet: *picks self of ground and inspects damage done….. suddenly* -OH MY @#$^%^"'N GAWD!!!!!! *tries to fix displaced strand of hair but fails*

…………………..*flames of hell burning around her mussed hair do* She shall pay dearly for this……………….. whoever she is, I shall find her………. I shall hunt her down AND EXACT MY REVENGE UPON HER GOLDFISH!!!!!!!! *Flames burn brighter*

Reno: HEY, WHOEVER IT USING THE IFRIT MATERIA CAN CUT IT OUT NOW!!!!!!! WE GET THE GODDAMN PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!

*Flames die*

Red XIII: *huffing and puffing but with the strength required to move such a large and bouncy object from the poor weed's remains* Will someone please help me move Palmer!!!!! I still might have a chance to save the poor plant!!!-

Rufus: *corrective* -It's a weed!!! HMPH!!!!

British-voice-from-out-of-the-blue: I'll help if I can……… but I don't know if I have the spell right, yet…………

*I'd give you three guesses onto who this is if I thought you needed them* 

Harry: *emerges from his fluffy-free hiding place and walks over to Palmer* I think I can move him but could you move back, please?

*As they all move to the side, Harry reaches inside his cloak pocket and take out his wand-thingy and points it at Palmer*

Harry: Winguardium Leviosa!! *does little magicky-thingy and suddenly Palmer, the fattest thing ever to move across a doughnut-stand's threshold, was flying!!!! Imagine if you will, the scene unfolding before your eyes (in all it's horrific glory!!!!)*………….okay…..

Palmer: Hey!!!!! LOOK!!!! I'm FLYING!!!!!! *does arabesque and looks like a grotesque flying pretzel* I'M THE KING OF THE FARM!!!!!!! WOOOOOHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

*Suddenly, Palmer drops to the ground beside the weed, creating a small concentrated blast and rippling like month-old Jello in a full-tilt jolly-jumper* 

Harry: *scratches head* Strange……….. My magic usually has a radius of 25 meters NOT 25 centimeters……….. *leaves*

Red XIII: *tending to poor-on-the-verge-of-death plant* Thank you, stranger, whoever you are…………..AACCCCCHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scarlet: Bless you

Bell: BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Giant puff of slum dirt followed promptly by Rufus' dainty coughing* 

*~*~*~*~*~

*Sephiroth is at the teacher's room, relaxing with a cup of hot chocolate* *sigh* I don't know how I got here, but as long as I am away from Elena and those rabid fangirls, I am happy-

*Door opens, and (YES!!! YET another CAMEO!!!!) Blue Baroness pops in!*

Blue Baroness: -SEPHY!!!!!!!!!!!! *chases him*

Sephiroth: *Shrinks back in horror* NO!!!!!!!! *hides under desk*

Blue Baroness: Huh??? *Rolls eyes* No, NO, not you Sephiroth. I want Sephy, my komodo dragon!! *Proceeds to look under chairs* SEPHY!!!! OH, SEPHY!!!!! Hey, look!! ABC GUM!!!!!!!!

Sephiroth: *Blink, blink*Your dragon...... I think he's in the biology room................

Blue Baroness: Thanks, better hurry!! *pockets ABC gum and runs away with all the destructive power of an A-bomb*

Sephiroth: *re-obtains spine*............... ooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy............... *walks away in search of Vincent and the bottle of elusive Tylenol*

What will happen to Cloud and will it be painful? Who is the sinister mastermind behind all these cameo appearances?? WILL THERE EVER BE A LUNCH BREAK???? Will Sephiroth EVER GET HIS TYLENOL OR, in some unexpected twist, CLOUD DISCOVER THE BOTTLE FIRST?????? Will I ever stop writing this story???? *Not likely!* FOR THE ANSWERS TO THESE AND MORE, ODD ANNOYING QUESTIONS THAT I HAVEN'T WRITTEN BECAUSE THEY ARE LONG AND I CAN NO LONGER FEEL MY HANDS, STAY SOMEWHAT TUNED FOR THE NEXT EXCITING AND _CAPS LOCKED_ CHAPTER OF MIDGAR HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!! AND FOR THE SAKE OF MOOMBA'S EVERYWHERE WHO ARE FORCED TO WORK IN PRISONS (due to some MAJOR budget cuts), REVIEW!!!!!! *I'm still waiting for my pop corn!!!!* 

~*~*~*~*~*

AUTHOR'S NOTE: HIYA!!!!!! Sorry, once again, for my absence to all those who enjoy my fic but, as I said before, I'VE GOT A VALID EXCUSE!!!!!!!!!………….. I just don't know it yet…… anyway……. Thank you to all those who reviewed and told me their suggestions onto who should teach what and everything! I really, REALLY liked the idea of having Vincent having a lunchtime activity group ' How to join the dark legions' and all the other great suggestions you gave me. But,…………. If you could keep 'em coming because my creative well has dried up for the time being and I'm at a point where I don't know WHAT is happening……… Ah……. Sweet sanity, what HAVE you done to me? SOOOOOOO………….and I cannot stress this enough, you must review!!! Tell me what YOU think should happen in the future chapters and who should find the Tylenol first: Sephiroth OR Cloud!!!!!……………..or maybe they should duel for it!! BUT not a normal duel, oh no……….. that's just too easy!!! 

See ya!!

-Gaian Skylord


	5. The trouble with doors and giant dogs

Apoligizy-thing-that-comes-before-the-disclaimer-do-hicky:

EUREKA!!!!!! (I REALLY hope that's how you spell that word…..) I just came to the realization that school is hell with fluorescent lighting and that physical science is a useless bunch of overrated chocobo manure AND that I have NOT written in at least TWO months!!!!!!…… and I'm really, REALLY sorry about the last one, 'kay??? -" Been tied up by tons of homework and the evil assassins after my videotape of Sephiroth singing "I'm going slightly mad" while doing Jenova's laundry, so I kinda haven't had much time to write……. BUUUUUUUTTTTTT!!!! *grins evilly* since I've been back in that perfect niche of hell, I've had soooooo much inspiration for this chapter of the on-going saga of FFVII that I could not contain the insanity any longer……. SO HERE IT IS!!!!!!! ……Oh, and, before I forget…..*gets down on hands and knees* PLEASE DON'T KILL ME FOR BEING TRAPPED IN HIGH SCHOOL LIMBO!!!!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT DONE HOMEWORK PAGES DON'T GROW ON TREES!!!!! DON'T HATE ME FOR ATTEMPTING TO GET GOOD GRADES (see how I wrote attempting?) !!!!!! PLEASE!!!! *grovels* FORGIVE ME FOR MY ABSENCE!!!!!! IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, I PROMISE YOU, O' MIGHTY REVIEWERS (who give me a slight ego boost when I need one… oh, by the way, thank you for that, too! ^-^)!!!!!!!…….*gets up and clears throat calmly* 'kay…. Now that I've got THAT out of my system….. ON TO THE DISCLAIMER-DO-HICKY!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer-do-hicky: I own nothing…. You read me correctly….. I SAID I OWN NOTHING!!!!!!! *thinks* WAAAIT!!!! I mean I don't own FFVII, the characters and/or Squaresoft!!!!! *smiles toothily* Yep! That sounds a whole lot better!!!!! *clears throat and turns back to face the bandaged, chibified squaresoftian lawyers who are looking up from their hamster cage with narrowed eyes* AHEM!!!!!!! TRY AND SUE ME NOW, SCUM-BAGS!!!!!!! MWA, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Squaresoftian lawyers: *from the confines of their hamster cage (which has had half of it's room already taken up by the giant carrot summon)* Umm….. We, the squaresoftian lawyers (who believe we have been held captive for a very prolonged period of time), have come to the painful agreement that…..*struggling to get words out due to squaresoftian loyalty* …. Your tirade about-what you own…. no longer really concerns us and-

Gaian-Skylord: *raises eyebrow* Huh??? What the HELL are YOU small-brained chibis TALKING about???

S.L: *wringing hands nervously* Well…. This is normally the part of the disclaimer in which we state that we can indeed sue the pants off you but, to be quite frank, we….we…..*large anime tear* WE-JUST-WANT-TO-GET-HOME-TO-OUR-FAMILIES!!!!!! AT-THIS-RATE,-I-WON'T-EVEN-SEE-MY-KID-GROW-UP!!!!!!! HE'LL-ONLY-KNOW-ME-FROM-PHOTOGRAPHS-AS-"MY-FATHER-WHO-GOT-HIMSELF-KILLED-BY-A-DERANGED-FANFICTION-WRITER-AND-WHOSE-BOSS-FAILED-TO-NOTICE-HE-WAS-MISSING-BUT-DECIDED-IT-WAS-A-GOOD-THING-DUE-TO-FINANCIAL-CUTBACKS"!!!!!!!! WWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cries*

*Instantaneously, all the chibified lawyers begin to leak at the eyes and in a second the hamster cage is transformed into an aquarium full of straw*

G.S: *somehow touched and whose eyes are welling up with tears* I-I never k-knew……*sniffs* I'M NOT A BAD PERSON!!!!! I'M DISGUSTED AT MYSELF FOR HOLDING YOU PEOPLE AS HOSTAGES JUST SO I COULD GET INSIDE INFO FROM SQUARE ON THE NEW FINAL FANTASIES!!!!! *tips over cage as somewhat uplifting music plays somewhere in the background* SEE!!!!! I'M NOT AS HEARTLESS AS YOU SEEM TO THINK I AM!!!!! *points to the horizon as the super-celestial light of freedom washes over them all along with all their salt water* GO TO YOUR LOVED ONES!!!!! BE FREE, MY CHIBIFIED CAPTIVES, BE FREE!!!!!!!!!

*S.L's begin to run towards the door but, suddenly stops and turns around with the look of extreme triumph plastered across their pasty little faces* 

G.S: Huh???? *raises other eyebrow* What gives? Aren't you supposed to be running cross-country towards your family's outstretched arms while a really sappy soundtrack plays in the background….. or something pertaining to the like??????

S.L: *Evil chibified look* HA!!! We all showed you, you nut-bar!!!!! WE'RE ALL SINGLE!!!!!!!!! *pulls one eyelid down and sticks out tongue at the almost clueless author* AHA!!!! BAKA-NAI!!!!!!

G.S: *thunder clouds above head fizzle with small cracks of lightening and a massive nerve-pop ensues* grrrrrrrrrrrrr………………. *Hell hath no fury…..this author has stolen it all and sold half of it on the black market for outrageous sums of cash* YOU-ALL-GO-SQUISH-NOW!!!!!!! *takes a deep breath* FIIIIFFFIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-

*crickets chirp in background*

G.S: *looking around for the seemingly absent Midgar Zolum with a confuzzled expression that would make FF Tactics' Ramza jealous* -Fifi??? Hey, FIFI?????! Oh…. *dawn of realization strikes* … DAMN!!!! I KNEW I SHOUDN'T HAVE TAKEN HER TO THE VET TODAY!!!!!

L.S: YEAH!!!! *pee-wee triumphant* we're INVINCIBLE!!!!!-

Random-voice-from-out-of-nowhere: No… I'm really sorry, but…. You're not invincible…. *evil laugh* GO, FLUFFY!!!!!!

*From out of nowhere, an extremely random pokeball flies in through a **_closed_** window and lands, accompanied by millions of shards of broken glass, on the floor in front of the estranged author of this story and releases Hagrid's giant three-headed dog into the small dwelling*

S.L: …………………

Fluffy: *narrows all three sets of eyes at the almost non-existent briefcase-holding nut-hooks* grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr………………

*Swift Gryfalcon, the owner of the random-voice-from-out-of-nowhere, pops in through the now open window, an evil grin present upon her face*

Swift: *to S.L's* Be nice to Fluffy….. hasn't eaten in a while, you see…..

S.L:……..*GULP!* 

G.S: *to Swift* Hey!!!! *indignant* you could have used the door, y'know!! YEESH!!! 

Swift: Yeah, I know- *dusts self off and looks gryphonically proud*-I just didn't feel like using it….Gotta make an good entrance and all and the doors are just BORINNG-Huh?? *looks around* Hey, where's Fifi?? 

G.S: The vet. Monthly check-up, you know…. Sooooooooo, *quizzical look* how come you've got Fluffy with you? And, better still- *dramatic pause* Where'd ya get the random pokeball?? AND, even more trivial still,-* dramatic pause that could kill a turkey* How'd you get Fluffy INTO that random pokeball???

Swift: Hmmmmmmm……….well, to answer your first question, Hagrid had to go to Diagon Alley for something or another soooo- *eyes begin to sparkle with joy*-I get to take care of Fluffy for two full chapters!!!!! WOOOHOOO!!!!!!! As for the second answer- *shrugs*- Black Market…You can find just about ANYTHING there-and I mean almost anything, too!!! *begins to count on fingers* Venus De Milo's missing arms, Kefka's grandmother, um… half of hell's fury and…*^-^* they even have toasters you can fit bagels into!!!! It's amazing!!

G.S: *Awe* DESU SUGOI!!!! Okay, but….now for the really difficult question!! *folds arms* how did you get Fluffy to fit inside the-

Swift:-A little luck and a ton of duct-tape. Any other questions??

G.S: Did you get me one of those toasters-

Swift: *deadpan* -No! Any OTHER questions?- 

S.L: -Can you let us go now??

G.S: Ummm….*thinks and smiles demonically* NO!!!! MWA, HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *turns to Swift* Okay, okay…. I know I laughed more maniacally in chapter four but, I'm feeling a bit under the weather today, so could you please not out-do me at the moment?

Swift: Let me consider it for a second….*considers the notion and grins evilly* Request denied!!!! MWA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

G.S: You're evil

Swift: I know

_________________________________________________________________________________

YET ANOTHER QUICK RECAP:

Within the last chapter of Midgar High, we have seen many unimportant things, like Palmer flying 25 centimeters and such with the help of Harry Potter, that wizard in-training who seems to enjoy zooming around bright lights on his broomstick-err… anyway…. Red and Aeris attempt to save the dandelion that is a little-bit more than half dead after it's traumatic run-in with Palmer *who, in turn, has a walk-in with the Mordorese Dust bunnies*, Sephiroth is running about in search of Vincent and the completely elusive bottle of Tylenol and, last but not least, Tifa who is still on her search-and-destroy mission to kill Cloud; now we turn our eyes towards a different area of the school; the laboratories!!!! What awaits our young anti-heroes inside it's specimen-cluttered walls?-excluding that random Komodo dragon mentioned at the end of the last chappie-

Blue Baroness: *subdued* -Awwwwwwwww……………-

G.S: *shrugs* You gotta understand….. It's not my fault!! It's the budget cuts!!!!

Random-purple-cow-wearing-fuzzy-bunny-slippers-while-playing-hopscotch: *Appears in a poof of magenta smoke* Well…. This fanfic wouldn't HAVE so many budget cuts if YOU would stop USING what money we have for MANGA!!!!! SO THERE!!!! MOO!!!!! *disappears*

**__**

*bet you didn't see that one coming, huh?! HUH?!*

G.S: *rubbing aching scalp* I have got to take a vacation…….. I'm seeing things _way_ to often, now…..

Palmer: *runs past* PURPLE COWS!!!!!!!

__

MIDGAR HIGH SCHOOL…………

11:30 a.m………

………C-Wing…….C303

Second-bell-of-doom: BRRRRRIIIIINN- *is cut off due to massive budget cuts*

*Two seconds after the sound of the sickly bell keels over and dies, the group runs through the slightly open classroom door and sits down around the dark and seemingly empty room*

Elena: ummm…… where's the teacher??? *looking around puzzled*…..And where's Palmer???? I coulda sworn he was right behind me in the hall before……-

Rude:……………*deadpan* the fool is probably off, running around the halls aimlessly while looking for the extremely fictitious purple-cows-wearing-fuzzy-bunny-slippers-while-playing-hopscotch that obviously don't exist on this plain of existence!….*sighs* It's either that or trying to find an alternate route into the cafeteria kitchens……*heavier sigh* or he's being chased by those bloodthirsty dust bunnies from Mordor… *deadpanner* It's not really my problem, anyway……*resumes silent and mysterious persona*………………………………………………… 

Scarlet: When IS this class going to start?! *squinting in the darkness* More importantly, where is the light switch? The dim light in this room cannot be good for my complexion!!

Reno: At least they can't peg us for being late this time- 

Evil-voice-that-obviously-belongs-to-a-mad-scientist: -YOU'RE ALL LATE!!!

All: *sees the twisted form of a small, spectacled man in a long lab coat walk out from the shadows* AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reno: Why do I always jinx myself!!! *looks annoyed* WHY!?!?!?!

Hojo *If you haven't already guessed*: Because you always expect the odds to be lower than what they really are and assume that success is a stone's throw away. This is the way a gambler thinks and works, living off ratios that are, in most cases, too good to be true….Blah, blah, blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah!!! Blah Blah Blah!!!! Blah blah blah blah, blah, blah, blah blah blah!!!!!!-

Reno: *struggling to stay awake* so……boring…….must……..keep eyes……open…..*sleeps*

*NOTE!: Reno has just become one of the few Anime kids to go to sleep with his eyes wide open!….. Why it's such a big deal still escapes me, BUT IT IS!!!!*

All: *SNORE!!!**** 

*Now that the characters have fall asleep due to Hojo's boring ramblings, the only ones who can save this story stand near the lab doorway, completely unaffected by the waves of boredom*

Swift: *to G.S* I knew you should have had Yuffie sub for Tifa!!! BUT NO!!!! YOU had to go and get the most BORING, EVIL, TWISTED MIND IN THE ENTIRE GAME TO SUB FOR HER!!!!!! Now the whole class is asleep and the fanfic is going slowly down the drain!!!! WE HAVE TO GET RID OF HIM!!!!!

G.S: *subdued* Awwwwww……… but it's sooooooo funny to watch his hand movements and hear the funny accents he uses on certain blahs-

Swift: *glare* -GET BACK TO THE POINT G.S!!!!

G.S: *bigger glare* LET ME HAVE MY FUN!!!!!-

Hojo: *annoyed at the pair of authors critiquing the lesson* -Let me finish!!! 

Both: OOPS!!!! Sorry….*leaves (for the moment) and all the kids regain consciousness (though you really can't tell with Reno)* 

Hojo: Thank you!!! *Ahem!!!* As I was saying….. Gamblers like to take risks. Risks and wild guess are also taken by scientists, hence-*evil cackle*- the "JENOVA PROJECT" which I have personally lead for more than two decades now. Gamblers and scientists are almost one and the same-

Reno: -Except you get paid even when you screw up!!!

Hojo: *sweatdrop*……..I guess you could put it that way but, more importantly- *glasses flash with the sudden light of contained rage* who said I ever screwed up?! I want names!!! NOW!!!!!-

Rude:…….*looks at schedule and still as deadpan as ever* -you're not our teacher. Our teacher is supposed to be Ms. Lockheart

Hojo: What?? *thoughtful* Oh, yes, I am quite aware of that… The speci- *catches self* -I mean the woman… has some important business matters on her hands right now so, I shall be her temporary replacement-

Elena: *skeptical* You're our SUB??

Rufus: *perking up* -Hey!!! *finally recognizing the hunchback of the Shinra Tower* You work for my dad!!! Let's make a deal, shall we? *reverts to business-like tones* You give me full marks on every assignment, regardless of whether I hand in cet assignment or not, and I won't get you fired-

Hojo: Nice try…… however I am only corrupt in the way I go about living my life, I am not corrupt in the way I teach ……

Rufus: *confused* However? Whaddaya mean "However?"!! Are you refusing my proposal?! *death-glare* Cuz, if you are, you are SOOOOO fired!!!!-

*the mad scientist paces smugly behind the teacher's desk as a random bolt of lightening illuminates the room*

Hojo: *grinning* How can you fire me from a company I no longer work for? I never thought that was even a possibility!!

Rufus: um……*confuzzled* well….err… HEY, wait a second!! *suddenly smart* since when do you NOT work for Shinra?!-

Hojo: *deadpan* -Since I obtained a different job which earns me an honest living

*Nuclear crickets chirp*

Rufus: oh……..*back to normal intelligence level* Then, I guess I don't have the upper hand anymore?

Hojo: *deadpan* no, you don't *laughs unnervingly*-

Elena: *waving hand around in the air* OOO!!!! OOO!!! Can we learn now!!! Can we???!!! Can we??!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!-

*Suddenly, G.S and Swift walk in to the darkened room with all the indifference of Kuja walking into a cheap cosmetics store*

Hojo: *suspicious* What are YOU doing back here?

G.S: Well…….*fixing the traditional dragon helm (this author recently "borrowed" off of a random FF Tactics Lancer while no one was looking) so vision is almost possible…. ALMOST….* We're here to make sure you don't do anything illegal like injecting students with Jenova cells or screw up anyone's lives or give a ton of homework…. *bumping into random objects*

Hojo: EH? NO HOMEWORK?! *eyes narrow behind spectacles* surely, you jest!

Swift: Nope, I'm sorry! *gryph-grins as Gaian Skylord continues to walk into desks and shelves* Minimal homework or none, if it can be totally prevented, you see- *to G.S* Geez, why don't you take that thing off already! It looks cool and all but is it really worth falling down a flight of stairs for?

G.S: *peering through visor* Yep!!!- *is cut off due to an unorthodox squeal from Hojo* 

Hojo: *shocked* -NO FREAKY EXPERIMENTS INVOLVING HUMANS OR SCREWING WITH PEOPLES LIVES?!

G.S: Nope, sorry…. Oops! *visor falls once more*

Hojo: *an appalled expression drawn across his already appalling face* YOU CANNOT TRULY EXPECT ME TO TEACH UNDER THESE HORRIFIC CONDITIONS!!!! *snatches up briefcase quickly* I RESIGN!!!!!! *leaves but stops just outside the door and stares in wonder at the creature sitting there* Why, hello there! What a grand specimen you are-

Swift: *Nerve-pop caused by her least favourite character annoying her ceberus (for two chapters)* Fluffy….ATTACK!!!!!!!

Hojo: *looking at three massive sets of razor-sharp teeth with increasing worry*………Oh dear………

*VIOLENCE CENSORED!!!!!!!(THINK OF THE POOR CHILDREN!!)*

Reno: *cheering from his clear-vantage point* GO FOR THE THROAT!!!!!! THE THROAT!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOOH, YEAH!!!!!!!! THIS' BETTER THAN FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!

*Most of the class (with the exception of Rude, who is too busy watching the non-existent hairline of his reflection on his desk and pondering what to do about it) follow in suit and are now cheering Fluffy on* 

Swift: Ummmm…… *noticing the class has become more or less bloodthirsty* Maybe I should call Fluffy off?…….

G.S: Huh?! *Shocked* Are you nuts?! This is the guy who killed Professor Gast, screwed up Vincent's life royally, injected his OWN STEP-SON with JENOVA CELLS, made monsters at Nibelhiem and is just too screwed up to be human! This IS the same guy we're talking about, right?

Swift: *shocked at self* What AM I thinking?! *to Fluffy* KEEP AT IT!!!!!!! YOU'RE DOING GREAT!!!!!!

Fluffy: GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR………………..

Hojo: ………..mommy……………

*To make an excruciatingly long (and painful, on Hojo's part) story relatively short, Hojo (after being nearly killed by Fluffy *awwww…. Nuts! Only nearly…. Oh, well… THERE'S ALWAYS A NEXT TIME!!!*) limped/ran/hobbled to freedom and his next job interview followed closely by three sets of snapping jaws full of gleaming teeth and gingivitis*

All: YEAH!!!!!!! NO-MORE-FREAKY-MAD-SCIENTIST-DUDE!!!!!!

Elena: *clueless* But…..when are we gonna learn something??? *scrunches up face* I don't understand!!!

G.S: *to Elena* don't worry you'll be learning something as soon as Tifa shows up- *looks at watch*-which she'll be doing in tee minus five…. Four… three… two…-

*Instantly back from losing it's prey, Fluffy begins bounding back towards the room with lightening speed and all the grace of a hyperactive rhino*

G.S: *finishes countdown* -One…

*Tifa walks up to the doorway slowly, not sensing the very apparent doom that awaits her from merely standing within that general proximity (I like using large, funny words that no one understands!!! ^-^ )* 

Tifa: *Trying to look cheerful despite her failed attempts to track down Cloud and exact her revenge upon his blonde-spikey head* Good morning! My name is missus Lockheart and I-ACK!!-

*Is (aptly though unintentionally) knocked back from the doorway by Fluffy who, unable to stop on a dime due to lack of friction against his paws and the eternal curse that can only be newly waxed tile floors (which, in this author's personal opinion, is comparable to ice in slipperiness), ends up sliding heads first into the classroom door, sealing all route of escape from education shut. Tifa lands unhurt a short distance away from the enormous struggling canine*

Tifa: Hey! *picks self up and looks relatively annoyed* great! First Cloud escapes me and now I have this giant dog blocking the way into my classroom! What's next, Ruby WEAPON singing opera and reading off quotes from random SOAPS?!?

*No sooner said, a monstrous rumbling that can be made only by something big, red and ugly (and I don't mean that huge zit on Scarlet's forehead), is heard outside. The rumbling than turns into a b, than a b flat ad than a high c that would make Pavarati proud. The singing then transforms into the most sickening version of the "Young and the Restless" ever heard by mortal ears then rumbling again. Silence reigned and, for once, Reno had the sense to bring an umbrella*

Tifa: Um….*sweatdrop* Alright then…… Now to get INTO my class!

Swift: *attempting to shove Fluffy free from the doorway he has so conveniently blocked* Don't worry, Tifa! I'll *grunt!* Get Fluffy *gasp* out of here in no time!! *wheeze* HEY!!!! *to G.S* You could help, you know!

G.S: *shrugs* Your dog for two chappies, remember? Not mine.

Swift: *eyes narrow* Darn you-

*Suddenly, another loud rumbling is heard and the part of the wall near the door collapses and in walks Tifa, looking quite proud of her most recent achievement obtained through her limit "Final Heaven". Fluffy frees himself easily and goes bounding off down the halls in search of Hojo meat* 

G.S: HEY!!!! *does angry dance* WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE AND DOORS TODAY?!?! IS IT INTERNATIONAL "I-HATE-DOORS-DAY" TODAY AND NOBODY TOLD ME?!?! WHY I AM I ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW?!?!!! WHHHHHHHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *leaves classroom through door to spite the officials who thought this day up and runs down the hall after Fluffy with all the gracefulness of Mordorese dust bunny on a sugar high* DEATH TO SOAP OPERAS!!!!!

*sILENCE (STUPID CAPS LOCKS!!!!!!!)*

Swift: *to all* Ummm……. Sorry for the inconvenience! BYE! *runs after the deranged slobbering mutt and Fluffy*

Tifa: *immensely large sweatdrop* Anyhow……*perks up as only Tifa can* Hello, class!!!! My name is Miss Lockheart and I will be your Biology teacher today and everyday until the end of the year! *peppy* Any questions?

Elena: *waving hand around wildly* Ooo!! Oooooo!!!! Ms. Lockheart?! Will we be learning about how Sephiroth's bangs defy gravity or why Palmer's sworn enemies are knowledge, Mordorese dust bunnies and gravity???? Or- *looks crafty* -why they never tell you what's in cafeteria food??????

Tifa: *sweatdrop remains* Elena, that's not BIOLOGY! That's FLOXIMOXI-HILLPILEPHICATION!!!!!!!

Elena: *understands* OH! I get it now! Thank you!!

Tifa: ANY other questions?

Reno: *waving hand around wildly* OOOOO!!!!! OOOOOO!!!! PICK ME!! PICK ME!!!

Tifa: Yes, Reno? *smiling kindly* What is your question?

Reno: *puts hand down and grins* Are those real-

*at that very moment on the other side of Gaia, the people of Wutai looked up from their work as the cry of "DETENTION!!" echoed off the sides of Da-Chao which knocked a random chocobo out of the sky due to the sheer force of the sound waves. Back in Midgar, however….* 

Rude: *to Reno, deadpan* Palmer's not the only one allergic to knowledge, is he?

Reno: *peeling self off the black board* Shut up, or I'll make wish on your head….OUCH!!!

Scarlet + Elena: *highly amused* DO IT AGAIN!!!! DO IT AGAIN!!!! 

Tifa: QUIET!!!!! *gigantic sweatdrop/nervepop combination* -No-more-questions!! *calms down and takes a large textbook from one of the many shelves near the "door"* Now, Ahem!!! Today we will be learning about the male-* Opens book to bookmarked page, glances down, starts to read but catches self and does a double take before shutting the book with a horrified expression equivalent to that of Zidane in a universe in which females don't exist*

****

*somewhere in FF9….*

Zidane: *falls to knees*……….NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*back in FF7, however….* 

Tifa: *Nervously* Today-we-will-be-learning-bunnies!!! YES, BUNNIES!!!!

Elena: Since it's so OBVIOUS that we weren't really supposed to be learning about bunnies-* perks up* -CAN WE LEARN ABOUT LLAMAS INSTEAD?! PLEASE???

Tifa: you know….*thinks and nods* what the heck! I'll take you all to the zoo-

All: *except for Rufus* YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANIMALS!!!!!!

Elena: *excited* LLAMAS!!!!!

Rufus: *grumbling* filthy through rugs……

Tifa: *points in a random direction that is supposed to be towards Midgar's infamous zoo of HORRORS!!* TO THE ZOO!!!!!!!!

Reno: *subdued*…she didn't answer my question…*droop*

WHAT SHALL BECOME OF OUR MISFIT-POOR-EXCUSES-FOR-HEROES-BUT-THEY'LL-HAVE-TO-DO-CUZ-I'M-ON-A-TIGHT-BUDGET? WHAT IS HOJO'S NEW JOB?? WHERE IS PALMER AND WHAT IS HE DOING AND DOES IT INVOLVE THE INFAMOUS PURPLE-COWS-WEARIG-FUZZY-BUNY-SLIPPERS-WHILE-PLAYING-HOPSCOTCH??? WHAT BECAME OF THE FABLED TYLENOL???? WHERE IS SEPHIROTH AND WHY DIDN'T HE ANNOY US IN THIS CHAPTER???? AND, EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY, WHERE IN JENOVA'S NAME IS MY **POPCORN**????????? FIND OUT ON THE NEXT AMAZINGLY LONG-WIDED CHAPTER OF **_MIDGAR HIGH!!!!!!_**

**__**

Author's note!: Hi again!! And, once again, I thank you for your reviews!!!!!! Next chapter, as you know, will be Tifa's trip to the zoo followed directly after by Vincent's DRAMA CLASS!!!!!!! Oh, yes….. be afraid….BE VERY, VERY AFRAID!!!!!!! *laughs evilly but is interrupted by Rufus*

Rufus: Hey, how come you didn't give me very many lines in this chapter? I want to know!

G.S: Cuz I don't like you and life isn't fair, scum ball

Rufus: *eyes narrow* Your uppance will come!!!! *stomps off*

G.S: NO, IT WON'T!!!!! *returns to readers* so, please review!! I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK SO FAR AND *grins evilly* should Cloud be caught by Tifa or not? You be the jury…..*Evil grin grows* and the executioner!! Oh and I loved that idea about the Tylenol chase! So you wrote it, so it shall be done!!!! Why am I so twisted?? 


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